Bond Villains: A Ranking - The Bottom 5
Over the years, Bond’s adversaries have persisted as my favorite aspect of the franchise. They can often serve as a ‘make-or-break’ element of each film. Some films are as iconic as they are in large part due to an amazing performance as 007’s dark foil, while other films suffer the consequences of a dud villain whose characterisitics leave the audience neither shaken nor stirred. This is the first of several articles that will showcase my inflated opinions by ranking every major antagonist of each film. So, without further ado, the bottom five…
Number 27
Dominic Greene & General Medrano
“Do you think I’m that stupid?!”
Yes. Yes I do, Dominic. The opinion that Quantum of Solace is a bottom tier Bond adventure is not a particularly original one. I’m sure there is one redeeming aspect to the film, but I have yet to find it. These two chucklefucks are a form of antagonist I’ll explore several times throughout this list, that being “the Partnership”. There are times within the Bond franchise where two villains work with each other in a mutually beneficial system that puts neither in direct subordination to the other. This philantropic Quantum Agent and rogue Bolivian General formed a duo in hopes of…
hang on…
I need to google this real quick…
okay…
In hopes of forming a puppet state for Quantum through monpolizing the country’s water supply. While this makes for one of the more realisitic escapades Bond has been sent to foil, a primary issue with Greene and Medrano come as a result of Quantum’s role in the semi-serialization of Daniel Craig’s Bond tenure. Simply put, Bond has no real motivation against the pair. As Quantum of Solace serves as a direct continuation of Casino Royale, Bond is blinded for his need to avenge Vesper Lynd. The film is forced to give Bond Girl Camille Montes direct ties to the villains so at least one of our protagonists has a vested interest in their downfall beyond as a stepping stone to a larger mission.
When all is said and done, Medrano meets his end in the firey chaos at Perla de las Dunas when Camille avenges her family and puts a bullet in his forehead. During the same battle, Bond manages to exfiltrate with Greene in order to interrogate him. Bond leaves Greene in the Bolivian desert to die and the Quantum agent is killed by his own organization soon after. Yes, Bond does not even bother to kill either of the main villains in this film, they aren’t worth his bullets.
Number 26
Lyutsifer Safin
“James Bond. History of violence. Vendetta with Ernst Blofeld. In love with Madeleine Swann. I could be speaking to my own reflection.”
There are many things a Bond Villain can be to many people; intimidating, scummy, campy. However, there are two things no Bond Villain should ever be under any circumstances: Boring or Disappointing. Which one is Safin? Well, both of course. In short, No Time to Die is a rather polarizing entry to the franchise, but perhaps the least disagreeable element of the film is how weak Safin is as Daniel Craig’s final big bad, and the only one that actually managed to put James Bond’s name on a tombstone (permanently, at least). Actor Rami Malek is not the only amazing casting choice failed by a weak script on the list, but with Safin the problem goes even deeper.
The semi-serialization of Craig’s films all led up to the grand return of Bond’s arch nemesis, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, who was then immediately killed in his subsequent appearence by Safin. That’s right folks, Safin got both Bond and Blofeld in one film, and to say his victories felt unearned in an understatement. His opening scene with young Madeleine served to introduce a terrifying maniac, and the usurption of SPECTRE led us to believe he was the mastermind to end all masterminds. However, the Island of Poison is an overall mess as a third act. One that has Safin abandoning all the traits we came to know about him so that Bond’s new family can escape and Bond can meet a noble end. It is known that No Time to Die had many reworks before its final release, and nowhere is that more clear than with Safin.
Number 25
Gustav Graves
“You can’t kill my dreams, Mr. Bond, but my dreams can kill you. Time to face destiny.”
Ah, Die Another Day appearing low on a ranking? Positively shocking. In truth, the great sadness of Die Another Day is that Graves is probably one of the best aspects of the film (says a lot doesn’t it). The gene therapy twist about a North Korean Colonel who faked his death and turned himself into a knighted British philantropist over the course of five years might just be slightly more believable than Pierce Brosnan surfing that tsunami in the film’s third act. Toby Stephens presents Graves with a level of smarm even Bond finds a bit much. Graves offers several standout scenes throughout the film, including a brutal sword fight with Bond and an emotional execution patricide. Unfortunately, the film’s climax puts him in a costume not far off from the Angry Video Game Nerd in his accessory gear. Do I even need to mention the space laser that reflects the sun and shoots a literal concentrated beam of sunlight at the planet which he can control with insane precision? Graves also provides 007 with the chance to offer one his greatest ‘I’m going to kill you now’ one-liners: “Time to face gravity!” which occurs moments before the Korean formerly known as Tan-Sun Moon gets Syndrome-d with his own parachute.
Number 24
Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Charles Gray)
“Bright idea, Mr. Bond.”
Diamonds Are Forever is one of those Bond flicks that I have a love/hate relationship with. On one hand, Kidd and Wint are amazing, on the other hand, they work for Charles Gray’s Blofeld. This Blofeld also specializes in making people look different, much like Gustav Graves. In Blofeld’s case however, he uses advanced plastic surgery to make others look like him as doubles, with their own lil’ white kitties and everything. Also like Graves, this interpretation of Blofeld has a diamond powered space laser, which never gets used so it’s a bit of a moot point.
Not a lot to say about this Blofeld, to be fully honest. He dresses in drag for one scene, which is a choice you could make. Not one I’d make following the legendary ending of OHMSS, though. Speaking of, Diamonds opens with Bond hunting down and killing Blofeld following the tragic ending of OHMSS. The scene is pretty good, even if Blofeld’s ‘last’ battle is a bit underwhelming, the sequence provides quick and powerful closure for the murder of Tracy, only to undo it within an hour. In the end, Charles Gray was the last prominent role of Blofeld until Spectre nearly fifty years later. Blofeld doesn’t even get a definitive resolution in the Connery-Lazenby era. I’m sure I’ll adress ‘Blofeld Who Wasn’t Blofeld’ in Roger Moore’s tenure at a later date.
Number 23
Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Christoph Waltz)
“It was me, James. The author of all your pain.”
Man, Daniel Craig’s films sure are doing a great job of representing the bottom of this list. Remember, like, four paragrphs ago when I talked about disappointing villains? The legendary Christoph Waltz might just be the most perfect choice for a modern Blofeld that we could have dreamed of. Damn shame they wasted him with a god-awful script that made Bond and Blofeld adoptive brothers. Blofeld is able to create a glorious air of menace throughout the first half of Spectre, but as soon as he steps into the spotlight and directly antagonizes James, he just becomes a playful maniac with daddy issues he takes out on 007. Furthermore, the backpedaling to remove Quantum as the important organization Craig’s films have been building to, establishing them as merely a subsidiary of SPECTRE makes Quantum of Solace feel more or less pointless. The funniest part is the moment that Blofeld admits to manuevering all the previous big bads of the Craig era as his own little chess pieces to fuck with James, and he doesn’t even mention Greene. Even the writers thought he was a joke apparently.
Anyways, the Nine Eyes plot fails and Blofeld is defeated, getting put in prison, only to make a glorious return in No Time to Die, leading SPECTRE from prison with his bionic eye. The saddest part about Blofeld’s death through Safin’s use of Heracles is that Blofeld was actually kind of perfect for the first half of No Time to Die. Of course he then gets shafted by a much less interesting antagonist for the film’s second half. Go figure. Kind of cool how Bond’s “Die, Blofeld, die.” was a direct reference to his death in Fleming’s original works, though. One more fun fact for the end of part 1, Waltz is the only actor to play Blofeld in multiple films with his face visible in both.
